They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube