A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”