[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke