My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
You Might Also Like
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
mood
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me