got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
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I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Bootstraps
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before