GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again