[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
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Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
So inspired right now.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Covid like
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE