What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
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Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
it must be school picture day