In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
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Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
that de-escalated quickly
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I came this close!!!!
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Oh, I bet you would be
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.