Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now