I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
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Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.