Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
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me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
12653.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
*sewing*
A thread
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef