they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
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I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.