Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Never be a pizza!
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!