“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
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“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Every. Damn. Time.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
my mind
You just read my mind
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok