Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
saw this in a dream
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready