Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
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We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I’m pretty like a car crash.