Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
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I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.