Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert