My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
the dark web is just a goth google.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline