INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!