Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Every work call, he judges.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.