Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.