Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Who’s ready for Friday?!
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you