i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
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BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”