Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳