Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]