There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
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Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Always leave them wanting their money back.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
TODAY
my astrological sign is a french fry
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”