Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
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If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.