Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
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I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I’m giving up for Lent.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”