I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
…żyje?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
bad news gang
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza