If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
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Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
*puts my mental health in rice
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Finally
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?