WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Very good! 👍😂
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I created you as mosquito food.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.