Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
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Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me too
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I’ve had relationships like this
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.