hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT