Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
This story is comedy gold 😂
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.