Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Everything reminds me of my ex
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*