Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Oh my God.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning