Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
greetings!
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.