[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.