I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
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“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.