Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
fr
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Was it something I said?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!