In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
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Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I came this close!!!!
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced