My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
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Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Was it something I said?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
sin harder.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”