jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
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My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches