How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?