*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
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8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that