Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Yes my dude