Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Respect
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s