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In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Quadruple digit IQ
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Employees must applaud the planets.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”